The Chest by the Window
Salt filled my mouth before I knew which way was up.
Fractured sun rays broke through the water, splintered by bubbles. Everything was white and green and loud. The waves crashed around me, muffling my ears and choking my voice.
I opened my mouth to breathe and swallowed more ocean.
Makena Beach. Makena Alanui, Kihei. Big Beach.
I was young.
When I stumbled out of the water, the light was too bright in my eyes. I could barely see.
Everything looked white and blurry. For a moment, I wasn’t sure I was getting out.
I looked toward the shore to see if someone saw.
My mom stood with her back to me, photographing Reece smiling on a boogie board, riding the crest of the wave.
I kept that photo of my brother.
I know a copy of it is somewhere in existence.
There is a chest in my room.
A hiding place during games of hide and seek. A sliver of light slips through the crack in the lid, thin and sharp against the dark. I am buried under stuffed animals, holding my breath.
I am good at being still.
I learned early how to disappear in plain sight. How to place my feet without sound in the underbrush, when to crouch, when to blend.
And when it was time to move, I leapt.
I knew how to sprint with the wind cutting my face. How to howl back at coyotes under the moon. How to climb until the branches thinned and I could scan my world.
Smoke rose from the dirt around a cracked boulder I named Split Rock.
From the tree, I could see everything.
In the chest, my world felt just as large.
When I remembered where my body was, the sliver of light was gone.
I tried to scream. Nothing came out.
I did not know how long I had been inside my own world.
Inside the chest, I held the brush.
I did not create what wasn’t there. I made what was there alive.
The stuffed animals listened.
The dark roared, but it did not interrupt me.
It wrapped around me and let me dream with my eyes wide open.
Outside the chest, my walls had already been painted.
My room was baby pink with a brown streak running through the center. I had wanted pink flower wallpaper.
The brown line cut across the wall like a smudge of dirt.
So I drew the flowers myself.